I once sent a letter to Santa Claus. He never replied. The bruises, like an ill-timed tattoo commemorating a one-night stand, have never really gone away.
However, AT&T offered me a little hope. The company has a service that allows you to text Santa with all of your wishes. All you have to do is text "SANTA" to 1224 if you are an AT&T subscriber.
"Bah, humbug," my innards whispered. "Santa doesn't care about you. He won't write back."
However, some strange hope inside me stirred and I sent a text. Within seconds, he replied: "Ho Ho Ho! Thanks for your txt! Please reply to this message and send me your wish list. I will be sure 2 get back 2 you once the elves and I finish our dance class."
I was temporarily paralyzed by the concept of a large man learning to quickstep with several animals. This was far, far beyond the slightly uncomfortable sight of Steve Wozniak on "Dancing with the Stars."
However, Santa helpfully explained: "Gotta slim down 4 those narrow chimneys, you know!"
Emboldened by my success in making contact with the world's most powerful man, I immediately texted Santa my wish list. I asked him for better 3G coverage from AT&T.
So as not to blow my cover as a sweet, innocent 4-year-old, I also asked him for a Range Rover for my girlfriend and world peace.
Would he reply? Or would some clever little algorithm suggest that asking for better 3G coverage from AT&T might be off the map?
I was wrong to worry. AT&T's Santa is fully engaged in blanketing America with 3G perfection. For he wiped his post-quickstep sweat with a large red towel and texted me: "You have an excellent wish list this year!"
He added: "We make toys and goodies all through the year so luckily we have lots of items already in stock. Keep being nice!"
I am nice. Truly, I am. My CNET handlers have yanked on my lead no more than once a week in 2009. I am therefore delighted to inform all AT&T customers that Santa is on their side and all will soon be fixed. You read the quotes.
If you don't believe me, text "SANTA" to 1224 yourself.