US Facebook average is 40 minutes a day, says CEO
A tiny joy embedded in today's earnings call makes Facebook more important to Americans than quite a few things.
I've decided to spend the next 40 minutes thinking about what Mark Zuckerberg spends 40 minutes a day doing.
This might, to you, seem like a wasteful enterprise.
To me it feels necessary, after Facebook's CEO revealed -- during today's earnings call -- that Americans spend an average of 40 minutes on the social network a day.
This, in itself, is not surprising. On the average work computer, Facebook sits like a fat cat on a hearth-rug, warming itself at your expense.
It knows you need to know what your friends aren't thinking or doing but would like you to think they're thinking or doing.
I feel sure, though, that Zuckerberg isn't one to spend so much time every day on such fripperies. Indeed, he last posted something there on July 4.
Who needs friends when you have power? Who needs Facebook when you can just call or e-mail anyone you want and they're bound to reply?
So while many will leap toward Nate Silver and beg him to reveal what else the average American spends 40 minutes a day doing, I will continue to consider Zuckerberg.
I think it's a fair bet that he spends 40 minutes a day playing with his dog. After all, his wife, Priscilla Chan, recently told NBC's "Today Show" that she comes third after Facebook and their dog.
This thought then leads me to the notion that he might devote only 35 minutes a day to his wife, which I find disturbing.
I fancy that he doesn't spend 40 minutes a day choosing his hoodies, nor having his hair done. It surely doesn't take him too long to shave, either.
Could it be that his penchant for hunting means that he sneaks out for 40 minutes every day to shoot a wild boar or take down a few rabbits with a crossbow for a nice late-night roulade?
You'll tell me that he spends far more than 40 minutes a day in meetings. I'll tell you that this doesn't count. Everyone does that. It's compulsory in modern capitalism to commune with others and get nothing done. It's not a personal activity. It's a ritual renting out of the soul. Yes, Airheadbnb.
Might Facebook's CEO spend 40 minutes a day plotting how to get immigration law changed more quickly, so that he can hire staff less likely (able) to quit?
Might he spend 40 minutes a day conferring only with those who hold equal power to his own -- people such as Larry Page, LeBron James, and that nice lady who does YouTube makeup videos?
My 40 minutes are almost up. I have to believe that Zuckerberg's attention is always being demanded by thousands, so that he has little opportunity to spend 40 minutes doing anything.
I have, however, one small idea. I think he has a mantra that he chants quietly to himself every day, for a total of 40 minutes. It's a sort of mental yoga.
It goes like this: "I never believed this would be so easy. I never believed people were quite this vacuous. I am lucky."