As someone who tries to be aware of almost everything going on the world of technology, I am, for the lack of a better term, fed up with all of this iPhone news coverage. Even worse, I find myself submitting to the pressure and talking about the phone that has captured the public interest like nothing I have ever seen before. And while this instantaneous moment of bliss overcomes me with Apple love, I somehow find a way to break out of that bubble and develop a sense of hatred for all of this iPhone coverage.
It has finally become viral enough that I am writing about how to get away from it. And in so doing, I'm playing into the hands of the Apple faithful who are drooling over any and all iPhone coverage. As you can see, it's a never-ending circle that I don't think anyone can get away from - until now. Below you will find five steps that will help you stay away from all of this iPhone coverage and reclaim the life you used to lead. I can't escape it, but with a little bit of advice, you can and you will.
1. Start where it matters most: anything that can be used to connect to anything iPhone related. I know it may hurt, but disconnecting your TVs, computers, radios and everything else that may be used to connect to the news must be taken care of. I don't care how you do it - take a bat, shovel, sawed-off shotgun, whatever you need. Just do it. If not for you, do it for the rest of us who will be smothered by the impending Apple shadow.
2. Now go down to your local hardware store and buy hundreds of yards of flame-retardant material that can be easily put together. And in case you don't know how to put it all together, get tools - lots and lots of tools. I don't care how you fit it into your car, just do it and do it quickly, you only have one day here.
3. Next, go to your local grocery store and buy enough food to last you the next twenty years. I know this sounds like an awful lot of money, but trust me, where you're about to go won't cost you anything (except for restless nights and your child's future). Make sure you get some canned goods and a few chocolate chip cookies for the ride too.
4. Go back to your house and start putting the materials together. Remember all of those materials you bought from the hardware store? Put them together like it's nobody's business. Oh, and rip out the chair in your car and stick it in there. And if you have a heavy-duty rocket booster and an oxygen tank that will last you the next twenty years, throw that in too. If you don't, prepare to suffer with the rest of us. OK, are we all set? Good, proceed to the last and final step.
5. Kiss your dog Millie goodbye and tell your wife you found a younger and sexier woman to take her place. Call your mother and tell her you loved her, but you never want to see here again after she threw that fork at you when you were five. I don't care if she says it was an accident -- she needs to be so hurt she won't even try to look for you. Call your boss and tell them what you REALLY think of them. Pack your favorite DAP, and get ready for the ride of your life. Now remember that device you built in step four with the rocket, oxygen and a picture of Aunt Maude? Climb in. Once you're in there, strap yourself in like mama taught you and turn the rockets on. Wait, you forgot the food. Go back in the house, pick up the canned corn and get out of there before your wife regains consciousness. OK, now you're ready. Take off and get the heck out of here!
See you later you lucky lucky devil. I hear the moon is nice in July.
Got any other ideas that don't involve a trip to the moon for the next twenty years? Share them below if you.