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why do good women get hurt?

by ruiz0840 / September 17, 2008 9:09 AM PDT

Ive been told time and time again that Im a any mans dream. Im not talking about being a barbie or Miss Universe, dont get it twisted, I consider myself pretty but it isnt all about looks but what who really are. Getting back to my point. I have a good head on my shoulders, I also have a good educated background and Im very sweet polite and best of all good listener. Tell me why if im so good I always get hurt?

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I'll take a shot...
by Slikkster / September 17, 2008 10:17 AM PDT

First of all, sorry for your pain. Here's my general theories:

1. You're picking the wrong type of guy, and probably doing it over and over. I've found that there's frequently a large disconnect between who I find "attractive" and who I'm actually compatible with. As you look back, do the guys you date have similar qualities/personalities, etc.? It's easy to be drawn in to a certain kind of look you like. But there's no guarantees there.

2. You're *possibly* too needy. Obviously, I don't know you at all. But don't throw yourself at some dude and tell him he's your whole world. Have some mystique about you. Have some hobbies or things in your life that you like and can do that will tell him you're perfectly fine being an independent woman who doesn't *need* a man to fulfill her. I'm not talking about teasing. I'm talking about not being available to him to go out whenever HE wants to do something. You have to show him (not tell him, but show him by your actions) that he can't take it for granted that he can just call you up at a moment's notice and be at his beck and call. That's too easy, and it's boring. Plus, if you have interests other than him, you will have more personal satisfaction, anyway. I think a few "Gee, that sounds great, but I already made plans" responses (even if you haven't) when he calls at the LAST MINUTE to do something will work wonders. He'll be more interested. If he's not, he ain't worth your time.

3. ALWAYS have self-respect. The moment someone even hints at being abusive or disrespectful, you need the strength to end things. By the way, here's a hint: It's almost always easier on the person doing the breakup than the one being dumped.

That's my Dr. Slikk for tonight. I've been there (and I'm speaking as a guy). Getting hurt sucks, and it really is like getting punched in the stomach sometimes. I had to take a good long look at why I was choosing the same kind of woman to pursue and date. There is an old expression that goes something like this: The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. That's what dating can be like. You really need to take stock.

One last thing: If you have girlfriends who can actually be honest with you, maybe you should ask them (without penalizing them for their honesty!) if they can see anything about you or your personality/mannerisms that could be a turn-off to guys. Or, ask a guy friend. Remember, though, hearing nice things about yourself from people who don't want to compound your pain isn't going to help. You need the truth, or at least from their perspective. Then, take what they say and evaluate it. It doesn't mean you have to accept it, but just evaluate it and see if you agree.

Good luck. Now, go have some ice cream.

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How straightforward and insightful Dr. Slikk!
by shawnlin / September 17, 2008 12:27 PM PDT
In reply to: I'll take a shot...

at the risk of extending this thread (that kinda really kinda seems like some copy-paste from a Cosmo-Dear-Abby column) I'd just add/say:


#1 - Some of my gal pals have had the issue where they're really dating boys and not men. When I told them to "stop dating boys and start dating men" it was rather profound for them...I dunno why, but they really appreciated hearing that.

#3 - totally! Always have self-respect and never loose your dignity.

yep, an external perspective from very good, insightful, and honest friends is very, very valuable. I've found that I really need to stop trying to "fit into some mold" and rather celebrate and nuture my unique character - and finding someone that understands that and to share all that with would be a great person have around Wink

Very best wishes,
Shalin

p.s. - yeah, I've heard ice cream does help the thought process Wink

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that was well-thought
by ktreb / September 17, 2008 1:33 PM PDT
In reply to: I'll take a shot...

and you too Shalin and Renegade Knight.

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Lotsa Reasons
by Renegade Knight / September 17, 2008 1:22 PM PDT

A) You are normal and anytime you are close but they aren't the one you get hurt. We all skin our hearts along with our knees.

B) You have a stupid gene when it comes to the opposite sex. Both sexes suffer from this. One lady I knew who time and gain made the wrong choice made an effort to do exactly the opposite. When a nice guy asked her out. You know the kind that's nice but does nothing for you 'that way' she said yes. They got married. He was the right kind of nice but she had to power through her normal "I only like the bad guys" first impression problem.

Beyond that your post is lacking in any details to give anything more than generic musings.

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Hmmm....
by dgodfrey38 / February 6, 2009 5:16 AM PST

Maybe that's the problem....you think you're too good. It's so easy to identify your good points but what are you doing that causes the man to lose interest? Are you too needy? (as asked earlier), do you make the man feel that he has to come up to your standards? are you sleeping with them too soon? Time for some "self-evaluation" because if you're being treated the same way by different men; maybe the problem's not them, it's you.

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Because
by Nicholas Buenk / February 6, 2009 3:38 PM PST

Maybe all the nice guys think you're above their league. If you're really pretty, you're gonna attract all the superficial jerks. I'd advise you to choose more carefully

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