Obama's election lead me to reconsider his promises and accomplishments of the past, which lead to me remembering his state of the union speech two years ago. Shall we review?
Ladies, Gentlemen, Congress, and assembled others;
I took office amid war, bad economy, bad financial system, and government debt. I acted immediately and aggressively and one year later we are worse off than before. You know because 10% of Americans can't find work, businesses have shut down, home values have plunged, and retirees and college kids are having problems.
I am not to blame.
Parents have their little children write me. These children of 8-9 years old are amazing in being able to express themselves so eloquently at a near college level grammar. One most eloquent child is named Ellie Light. I would like to read her letter, but since it's been published in numerous newspapers across the land I will only reference it. Basically they want to know why Mommy and Daddy have lost their subprime loan financed home, and they had to move back to a neighborhood more in keeping with their parent's income level.
Suffer the children.
We need to get over the politics that divide us, so I will offer my politics instead. We all have different stories, but my story is the one that counts. America remains doing Little League, helping neighbors and various other American type activities in spite of all I've failed to accomplish this year.
Let's talk economy and what I did. I gave you the bank bailout. Was that great or what?! (Hmm, I was expecting some applause on that one). OK, maybe it wasn't the best idea after all, but who knew?! Now those banks have pissed me off and I plan to get down and bad wit them. Since they gave me back all the money we used to try and control them, I'm going to sock it to them with a huge fee in the future. This could possibly be as successful as my health care plan. Won't that be something? You like that?
We cut taxes for 95 percent of American families. Suprisingly it seems when you are out of work you don't owe any income taxes. Isn't that great?
I thought I'd get some applause on that one. Oh well.....
Because of the steps we took over 2 million people are working that otherwise wouldn't be. We accomplished that while 4 million other people were losing their jobs. While I realize that leaves a job debt as total, let's not be negative, OK?
How about that Recovery Act?! You know, Roosevelt had one. That's right, he called it the NRA or National Recovery Act. It took over the Banks, took over Farm industry, took away your gold, created indentured servants to the federal government, and filled a big hole in Tennessee with water. Doesn't that sound great? Well, I've not quite done all that yet, but give me time.
Now, those big banks have flumoxed me and I've decided what community banks still remain around the US should be called on next to help me accomplish my goals. I've decided to steal a Republican tax position and propose we eliminate all capital gains taxes on small business investment and provide tax incentives for large business so all may invest in new plants to build new products the people don't have money to purchase right now. Eventually they will, right?
I'm going to build a big cool train set in Tampa. What'cha think about that one? Choo! choo! It will go really really fast. We want to be like those Europeans, don't we?
For those Americans who still have work, who have the newest and easiest homes to retrofit, let's help them make them even more energy concious. If you are living in a tent of course this doesn't apply to you. If you've lost your home mortage this won't apply to you. If you are a renter this won't apply to you.
We will place punitive tax burdens on companies who have taken jobs overseas, so they will completely leave and go overseas, and take their money with them. We don't need them here at all.
Seven million jobs lost in the past 2 years. I like to say past 2 years so I don't take all the blame. Actually most of those jobs were lost in the past year, by a large margin.
We have political gridlock. I'm certain I've done nothing to cause it. I blame others. It's hard to understand where such gridlock comes from since one party controlled the White House and Congress and Senate this past year, but I blame the other party. Don't you?
OK, I'm back to the banks. I just can't leave them alone. They've really pissed me off this past year. Whew, I just needed to say that one more time.
We need jobs in the field of energy, clean energy. We could easily create jobs in the field of oil based energy if we wanted but that would be too easy. I prefer to do things the hard way, sometimes the wrong way, but always my way. Sing it Frankie. Have you ever heard of clean coal? No? Well, neither have I but we're gonna do it and call it clean anyway. Paint things green and before long everyone will believe it. Did I mention biofuels? Did I leave any form of energy out?
This year I'm glad to help achieve bipartisan support in government by yelling about the Republicans and blasting Fox News, all at the same time. It's been great.
I will launch a five year plan, sort of like the socialist used to do, and call it a Doha trade agreement which will help us sell more exports to nations that may not want them.
Don't think I've forgotten to mess around in our school system. I've wanted to do that since the days of forced bussing. We will be messing around with Elementary and Secondary education in all 50 states too, not just college level.
National Health Care. Why is everyone so opposed to it? See my wife, I plan to turn her loose on all those "chicken fat" kids. Thank you, Honey. Now, I know that the majority of Americans are already covered with a health care plan, but I want to screw over those privileged Americans and their insurance companies so bad I can hardly stand it, on behalf of the few who don't have health care coverage. I won't tell you who those without health care coverage is, but contrary to rumor most of them are not druggies, unwed mothers, people on disciplinary probations, and other self made dregs of society. Yes, a few, even a few, are respectable. So, big mean insurance companies, you are targeted.
Chill out dudes! There's a lot of doctors and nurses who currently are barely making ends meet and want me to institute National Health Care. Many of them are at hospitals going bankrupt from all the illegal immigrants seeking free services, but that's a separate problem isn't it? Isn't it unfair to blame those illegal immigrants for what they've caused to our American health care system? Let's not walk away from reform, let's take control, er, I mean get it done. This will reduce our deficit by taking all the money that previously flowed for better health care to insurance companies and instead turn it into the government and you get a number to wait your turn for care along with all those illegal immigrants. Equality, the Socialist way!
I plan to freeze government spending. This will cause more jobs to be produced. See how that works? No? Well, let's just pretend it does.
I also asked and was rejected by the Senate for a Fiscal Commission, so I'll do it by Executive Order anyway. I intend to get my way on this. They will be in charge of investigating and correcting the costs of Medicare, Medicaid, and Social Security. Now don't get all riled up you old folks, calm down, you won't lose a thing. I hope you believe that. Trust me.
I plan to reduce the govt debt by a novel move. Since we seem headed into a deflationary period, I can pay off debt and finance my social programs simply by printing more money and hoping it won't result in runaway inflation, too soon. Later you'll have to pay that back once it starts inflating the economy again.
We believe in openess and post all the White House visitors on our website. We didn't post those gate crashers though. Sometimes there can be too much openess.
I don't believe capitalist should bankroll elections in a capitalist society, but rather socialist aligned organizations should be the only ones allowed to do that. I'm going to try and subvert the Constitution as recently rediscovered by the Supreme Court and make that my new political aim.
Both parties have had a part in creating divisions. I'm glad I had no part in that. You hear that Fox News? I even have beer summits to wash my mouth out after putting foot in it. I blame others.
I think obstructing laws that are harmful to America makes some people unAmerican. I'm saying that because I realize the Senate is no longer filibuster proof. I realize we Democrats had all the power for a full year and these two sitting behind me accomplished a sum total of NOTHING in all that time. We can do better. We will do better. Please don't elect Republicans. Can't we all just get along? In the interest of bipartisanship I say we Democrats need to get it together and "No, I will not give up on trying to change the tone of our politics. I know it's an election year." See, I say it straight out, I never double talk. Now that the Republicans have 41 votes in the Senate and the Democrats have 59, I intend to blame the Republicans every chance I get when we Democrats fail to engage in bipartisan approach to government.
Security. I know that means a lot to America. Before the election I sort of hit Bush over Iraq, Afghanistan, tracking down terrorists, etc. I implied I would be different, nay, I even said I would do differently. I Lied. I'm doing the same damn things Bush was doing and I've even increased our presence and resources in those areas. Hmm, what can I say. Did I mention Security? So, as you see increased expansion, remember it's just a prelude to ending the war. OK? We are increasing pressures on North Korea and Iran as a prelude to ending war in the region. We can't just go to war, kick someone's butt, then come home. What would that accomplish? Victory?
We can't quit. We won't quit. I won't quit. Let's move forward. Grab your hammers and sickles, hoist those flags high, march into glory. Thank you. God bless you. And God bless the Socialist States of America.