Snappy answers to stupid technology questions
Mad Magazine
(Credit: DC Comics)I was an avid reader of Mad Magazine in my youth. My favorite piece was called "Snappy Answers to Stupid Questions." I have no idea if they still do it, or if Al Jaffee - who I believe created the piece - still writes for Mad.
That aside, if you don't mind a side of satire with your technology, and in honor of one of the few things I did in my youth that didn't involve pissing off my parents or breaking the law, here are my Snappy Answers to Stupid Technology Questions:
Q: Does your new laptop computer get very hot?
A: Just a minute, my pants are on fire.
Q: Does Microsoft really want to buy Yahoo!?
A: No, it's dumping $44.6 billion to qualify as a nonprofit organization.
Q: Does Eric Schmidt deserve his billions?
A: Sure, and I deserve to be married to Scarlett Johansson.
Q: Does Jerry Yang have a chance of turning around Yahoo!?
A: Does a chicken have lips?
Q: Is the Sirius - XM Satellite merger good for consumers?
A: Nobody cares about consumers.
Q: Are you a gadget junky with no life?
A: Nope, I'm just allergic to the sun.
Q: Has Microsoft abused its monopoly power?
A: Is Bill Gates a nerd?
A: Is Steve Ballmer loud?
Q: Why does everyone give Steve Ballmer such a hard time?
A: Because he's a billionaire who drives an old Ford.
Q: Are technology CEOs are overpaid?
A: I hear everybody gets multi-million dollar exit packages.
Q: Is Steve Jobs a great marketer?
A: No, it's just that every other marketing guy in Silicon Valley sucks.
Q: How do you feel about spam, spyware, identity theft, and internet security?
A: Great, how do you feel about hemorrhoids?
Q: How's your investment portfolio doing?
A: I'm in tech stocks; thanks for asking, jerk.
Q: What's it like working as an engineer?
A: I thought slavery was abolished.
Q: What wine goes with corned beef and cabbage?
A: Beer.
(I know that one isn't tech related; I just couldn't resist, it being St. Patrick's Day and all)
Got any good snappy answers to stupid technology questions of your own?
Steve Tobak is managing partner of Invisor Consulting LLC. He is a member of the CNET Blog Network, and is not an employee of CNET. Disclosure.
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A: Becuase you got a pre-manufactured piece of technological leftovers!
Q: Why can't I copy a DVD movie?
A: Becuase the U.S. Goverment made it illegal to include Decryption technology with DVD coping programs and they do not integrate well. Of course there are other options that I cannot mention here for fear that i will be smoted!
Q: Why does my computer take so long to load?
A: Because your still using Windows 3.1 on a 80286/ Bought a Emachines/Dell/Gateway/Compaq to play Vegas2 or forgot to plug it in!
A: To Microsoft; they came up with Heroes Happen Here event for Windows 2008.