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Heckuva job.

Why not finish reading this one? First of all, yuck. Second, to my horror, we've already covered it.

"Ikan is a revolutionary new way of shopping for groceries that will change your life!"

Oh, man, not again. Didn't this pitch die in 1950's newsreels?

But wait, is there maybe more here? Ikan is a scanner you put near the trash in your kitchen. As you throw stuff out, you scan its bar code. Then the service makes a list that it can auto-transmit to the grocery store. Very 1950, no?

People are going to keep banging their heads against the grocery business. But it's a very tough market (sorry). Margins are so incredibly … Read more

"An assistant screens your calls, your e-mail address is absent from your company's Web site, and you've nailed the door to your office shut. You might think you've forever rid yourself of sales pitches, but think again."

Hmm, maybe I should try that. OK, not really.

This gem is from Hoovers' new ConnectMail product. The sales pitch is that it lets you reach--and pitch--people who don't want you to bother them. Maybe there's a reason. I'm just saying.

See also: Jigsaw (yuck)

"Yachting season is in full swing. Owning a luxury yacht CAN be a reality for small to mid-sized businesses."

That's from The Moorings, which now sells fractional shares in yachts. You know, like those fractional business jet companies, but even harder to justify to shareholders and funders... unless they're in on the scam, too.

And what yacht would be complete without...

"Brondell Inc., the nation's leading developer of advanced toilet seats, today [April 17] announced the official consumer launch and availability of their deodorizing Breeza toilet seat line."

See more Press Releases We Never Finished Reading. … Read more

Oh, irony: "On average, PR spam accounts for around 75% of the PR pitches journalists receive."

And this release would be..? (From Pitchwire, which actually looks interesting, but I couldn't resist.)

Wasted bits: "Vibe Solutions Group has sent you an email that has images, colors, and other layout features that can't be displayed by your email software."

Attention, PR people: Sometimes people read emails on their smart phones. And delete them there, too.

"When you think of vending machines, old coffee, chips and stale candy often come to mind."

Indeed, I think of vending machines frequently. How did they know?

From: USA Technologies.

"Paul Simon had a song, "50 Ways to Leave Your Lover." Lead technology has a product that allows the user to convert files and images into over 150 file types..."

Got it.

Just got this pitch for the Wiki company Near-Time:

As much as we love to visit our parents during the holidays, none of us is looking forward to the 4 o'clock dinner buffet lines at the convalescent home. Between the morosity and strange, formaldehyde-esque odors, it just isn't quite a pleasant experience. However, not all buffets have to torment those who partake -- especially when it comes to Wikis...

And it just got better from there.